Comments on: The Big Sleep

By: Dian Reid

Dian Reid — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 05:24:27 +0000

Wow. We’re so similar in how death has affected you and I, Emma. From 1991-2006, I’ve had 7 people close to me die. Each of them different and equally, differently painful. For years I dreaded anyone being late. Because even though I knew they were not dead, I knew they were dead. Every.Single.Time. I still get antsy when people who are usually on time don’t show up within 10-15 minutes of their scheduled arrival.

My mom died when I was 16. On a Saturday. On Monday I went to school. I told a friend that she’d died and my friend’s response was, “Shut up. No she didn’t.”

You’re so right on about all the things on your list of what people need when someone dies.

So much more to say on this topic…maybe we’ll end up chatting more later, you and I. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.

By: Michele

Michele — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 17:41:26 +0000

Dear Emma,

Thank you for this post. It resonated with me on so many levels. A dear friend forwarded it to me ..and I will forward it to many.

Something that happened to me recently …and I have experienced the death of 3 dear friends, my father, an Aunt and 2 animals I loved dearly all since 2001……is one of those 3 dear friends was a single father who I lived with. We were not a couple and because of some problems I moved out last February. In April he died. We had lived with our two children together for 2 years. I found him dead. Except for the first two days..the day I found him and the following day…it seemed surreal because no one expected that I should be grieving much …he wasn’t my lover, he wasn’t my husband…he was a single father I lived with …..but here we are at Christmas this year and the last two were spent with him and his daughter…..loss…..and yet …few people in my life get it……Yes, death is an ordinary part of life and we would all be better off were we too live in a place of acceptance about it and embrace those experiencing it because while ordinary…it is so surreal….

By: Paula

Paula — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 09:49:09 +0000

Emma,
This is a wonderful post.
I don’t know what Venison is talking about, but you are a better woman than I for taking it in stride. I, too, have experienced a lot of death- people close to me, and friends who have lost people close to them. Platitudes are indeed the worst. Listening, REALLY listening is the best. Everyone grieves in their own way, and it is so important to communicate that you are there in whatever capacity THEY need. Not whatever capacity YOU FEEL they need.

By: Emma

Emma — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:11:14 +0000

Thank you, everyone, for all of your comments. They each provided me with valuable insight. I do indeed have a hard time with death; that was one of the main points of this piece. Death is extremely difficult. But I do also think that, once we have the proper tools, we can be better at helping one another get through it.

By: Briana Aldrich

Briana Aldrich — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:33:04 +0000

This is lovely. I have to say that in hind sight I haven’t always handled other people’s grief graciously enough. My dad died this year in a private plane crash (sorry, you are so probably not looking for more sob stories) and I learned so much from the way other people handled mine. My childhood best friend dropped everything, left her husband and baby at home, and flew up to take care of me. And beyond that, she cried with me and she encouraged me to cry. She acknowledged how horrific it was, and that it probably would hurt for a long time. If we went a couple of hours without crying or talking about it, she would gently nudge me back to my emotions, which is exactly the opposite of what most people would have done. Having someone I love meet me exactly where I was, and go there with me, is really what allowed me to break open and grieve in a healthy, clean way. I am so grateful for that.
Thanks for this.

By: Sarita

Sarita — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:05:21 +0000

Well done, Emma.

Having worked as a hospice nurse, and having been on the receiving end of your amazing comforting in times of grief, I applaud your advice. It is greatly needed.

I disagree with Vinson’s statement that you cannot expect the people around you to behave in a supportive manner. In my experience people want to be helpful, but have no clue how to do it.

The reasons are as varied as the people:

-fear of death
-discomfort with things having to do with death
-absence of experience with the loss of a loved one
-fear of “making it worse” for the person
-inability to “sit with” the distress of another
-lack of training about how to deal with any and all of the above

I’m certain there is much more to add to the list, and any one of them can lead to behaviors such as avoidance, attempts to “lighten the mood”, pressuring the bereaved to “get over it”, etc.

It has been my experience that in general people will rise to higher expectations of good behavior when they are given the proper training and tools.

Thank you for your courage in tackling this topic. I love your insights, and I love the practical suggestions.

By: Jasmine

Jasmine — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:49:02 +0000

SOOOO timely for me. I, too, have been thinking of writing the “things not to do and say” guidelines, and I shall borrow from yours. I’m also going to write a part about how to address someone who’s caring for a sick person who may or probably will die, because those responses tend to be equally asinine, and when you’re already exhausted from the care-giving, the only reason you don’t punch them is that you don’t want to bother lifting your arms for something that isn’t serving the person you’re caring for. It really is strange that everyone has a close relationship with death and experiences grief a lot, but so many people don’t know what the hell to say or do.

By: michael.offworld

michael.offworld — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:38:44 +0000

Emma, give yourself a hug from me. Best, Michael

By: Ren

Ren — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:01:45 +0000

Adding to your list (or perhaps expanding the “to cry” portion) is “to be comfortable with another person’s tears.

Thank you again for a heart-felt, truth-filled post.:)

By: Vinson

Vinson — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 19:43:22 +0000

It sounds to me that your having a hard time dealing with death yourself. To even expect that someone should have something enlightened to say upon the news that you are going through grief seems a bit naive. I guess in your eyes I’ll be classified as a person who can’t see beyond life and death, the bigger picture. The reality is that you can’t expect a superficial work mate, school mate or even a spouse for that matter to do or say something that will change the way you feel for the better. Death is a hard subject, but it’s something each of us has to face head on & come to terms with. It’s a unique subject in that it won’t let you hide behind someone else. In my life, the most responses I’ve gotten in these situations is “I’m sorry.” is that more helpful than stunned silence or sarcasm? Not really. When you expect a certain something from someone else in this situation then be prepared for let down after let down. I think it would be better to understand that learning to manage grief is way healthier and smarter for the simple fact that since the beginning of man kind people have been doing things to each other way worse than not listening. I’ll admit this dream of a society where everyone is understanding & caring to each other would be great, the problem is that it has never been that way nor could it be. The reason is simple, we are all individuals and think for ourselves. That’s what makes this world so great. Don’t expect to be helped, understand the situation & help yourself.