Like most everything else on earth involving humans, grammar is prone to flights of fancy. We all remember when you used to be able to say “Ain’t” ain’t in the dictionary!, right? Well, some things remain solid and unmoving. Those things are important to know. Here are five of them. Smart chicks will dig you. Smart dudes will dig you. Grammarian snobs will sleep more soundly at night. Win-win-win.
1. Learn when to use “I” and when to use “me.”
Here’s what I mean:
Alex is going to meet up with Claire and I. Really? Hmm. Let’s see if that’s true. Take Claire out of the picture.
Alex is going to meet up with I. Nah. Sounds odd, right?
Alex is going to meet up with me. And since Claire had long since planned to come along (he’s a bit rash, that Alex, always changing his mind at the last minute)…
Alex is going to meet up with Claire and me.
Voilá. It takes less time to do this in your head than it did to read all of that. Promise.
2. Admit you don’t know something.
We all want to be considered with-it. But what if next time someone brings up a topic that you only know from a headline somewhere–whether it’s a political situation, a band or whatever–what if you said, “You know, I don’t know much about that at all! Tell me about it.” Ooh! Controversial. Refreshing, even. (PS, That blank look rats you out anyway.)
3. It’s would have, should have and could have.
Not would of, should of and could of. “Have” can sound like “of” sometimes, but that’s where the similarities end. Two different words, those. With two different meanings.
4. It’s voilá.
Not wah-lah. So you don’t speak French. Big deal. But if you’re going to use a word, you probably ought to know how to do it right, whether you’re saying it or typing it.
5. Is there a smaller word you could use? Use it. Economy is everything. Sometimes, for the sake of being funny, obnoxious, pompous, and/or all three, verbose is the way to go. But most of the time? Nuh-uh. Keep it simple, sweetheart.
Remember, it’s a wise person who does not fear looking foolish–but it’s just plain dumb not to know what you’re talking about. Right? Right. Consider it value-add. For the world around you.
Given how smart you sound, even when you are writing, I plan to print this out and post it above my desk. My mother, the English teacher, will be eternally grateful to you if you finally teach me when to use “I” and “me” correctly as she has been working on that for several decades.
Nicely done, well put, and all that rot.
Yes, I use a serial comma.
Marianne, you’ve made me blush. Thank you, and I’m honored to have my pompous op-ed piece hanging above your desk!
Thanks, Luke. I will pretend not to have seen the serial comma. My high school journalism teacher beat them out of me.
Oh, that’s nice, Emma. Lovely. Simple. True.
One thing you didn’t touch on is my own pet obsession: less/fewer; amount/number. For me the grammatical equivalent of fingernails clawing mercilessly at blackboards.
Fewer people understand this rule; the number is shrinking daily.
Which means there’s far less chance people will get it right. This, in turn, causes me any amount of grief.
Just saying.
Oh, and do I sound like a complete trainspotter if I add one more: collective nouns?
The wolf pack is large. It is. The wolf pack is not a they. Nor “are” a team. A team is a collection of individuals. Meanwhile, a team *member* acts in a certain way. S/he does.
Fingernails screech again when “A teacher must be patient. They should never tell their class off.”
Don’t know the teacher’s gender? Either genericize “them” into “teachers” who “are” or embrace the awkwardness of s/he (or the even less fortunate him/her).
Yes, the collective noun can be problematic. So too the gender-non-specific pronoun. But Emma doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who’s going to accept excuses.
Oh god, don’t start me on who’s/whose—fleeing now before I lose the last vestiges of control over my inner nerd.
Thank you, DAHLING! But don’t you dare touch my friend the semicolon; I refuse to give it up.
thank you, Emma! now, shine some light on further/farther for me, please. (and let me get this right, the correct pron is Vwah-Lah, right?)
Daniel, I am beginning to think we were separated at birth… TEARS OF JOY, I tell you, are what I cried upon reading your comments. Sharp as Wolverine’s claws. Nicely done. [SNIKT!]
Mama — It is my pleasure. Please don’t let’s discuss the abuse of the semicolon.
Dy — Happy to! “Farther” refers to physical distance and “further” to metaphorical distance. “Farther down the road” vs. “further on down the line when we are more established” — does that make sense? (And yes, the correct pronunciation is “Vwah-Lah”.)
That confirms it. You’re a genius. (You know, I always knew.)
Aw shucks, Sarah. Ya rock star.
The “have” and “of” thing winds me up so much, it’s untrue… I thought I needed a therapist recently because of it. And considering English is only my second language it is rather strange that it does wind me up so much.
Melanie, I SOOOO feel your pain! Smittiness (for that is what I call this condition) is smittiness, and whether or not the language is one’s native language is immaterial!
And I suppose that you’re as annoyed as I am when people don’t know that you’re supposed to use the word “suppose” with a “d” at the end when using it to indicate intention as opposed to opinion?
Oh, and of course the most egregious are those who don’t understand the their/their/they’re trio. Easily the worst nails-on-a-chalkboard offender in my book.
Oh heck: http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors
(very ugly site, but also very useful…)
Josh — YES. Another fave: “expresso” — like the coffee house in Redondo Beach who bought a giant banner touting “ITALIAN EXPRESSO.” Thanks for the link!
I would like to add – perhaps it could fit under lesson 1 – that using “myself” is not a good coping strategy for the difficulty of choosing between “I” and “me.” You may think you seem more proper by not using “me” (“Please have a seat with John and myself!”) but what you really seem is confused (or, in the worst cases, inappropriately smug). Myself is reflexive, so your sentence should probably have an “I” in it somewhere if you are going to use “myself.”
Swiss Ms., it needed to be said. Thank you!
To be precise it is “voilà”
Aha! Touché, Monsieur LeParc. =)