Emma Alvarez Gibson

Snow Blindness (Part 2)

February 8th, 2010 by Emma
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I write fiction. Short stories, mostly. This is one I finished not too long ago. I’ll be posting it here, in installments.

Safely at the office, he sat behind his desk, probing the sore spot on the roof of his mouth, checking the morning’s headlines and his email. When he heard the heavy main door of the suite fly open and then slam shut, he held his breath. At the familiar “Good morning!” he exhaled quietly and went out into the common area.

Kate had thrown her things on her desk and was wobbling to the kitchen on pointy red shoes with no backs to them.  They slapped her heel with each step. His own shoes were silent as he followed her.

“Good morning,” he said, softly. Politely. He hadn’t meant to, but wound up addressing her rather impeccable arse.

She turned and smiled, crinkling her eyes to hide some of the redness.  “Hi!” she said, and busied herself with a cup and a stirrer.  “How was your weekend?”

“Fine.”

“Good!” she said, turning away from him to reach for a bottle of water in the fridge.

“And yours?”

“Good, thanks!” She set the bottle on the counter, removed the cup from under the coffee spout, poured a vast amount of sugar in, and stirred.

Clive said nothing, only looked at her curiously. She looked up at him. She had been crying, for a couple of hours, at least.

“Did you get to do anything fun?” She said it a bit too loudly.

“No.” It was a simple fact. Like gravity.

“Oh!” she said.  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

He looked down and shrugged, then grabbed a cup and pushed the buttons on the coffee machine. When he spoke, he was looking the floor tiles squarely in the face.

“Everything alright?”

“Yes, thank you,” she said.

“Mmm.”  He nodded.

She wobbled back out into the hallway, leaving the water on the counter and Awkward Clive staring after her. I’m a real stand-up guy, she liked to say. Partial to clingy sweaters, heels and red lipstick, she was a sporting sort of fellow, albeit one with an arse that wouldn’t quit. She was personable; bubbly, some would say—Clive would not, as the word made him want to gouge his eyes out—but she knew when to reel it in. She was smart but didn’t fear looking stupid. She was usually laughing at something.

Clive had kept his distance upon her arrival, three weeks after his own start date. It was nothing personal. Experience had proven that even when one has a big title, it’s best to hang back and observe before commingling with the outside world. He kept himself and his wry observations to himself. And when at last he began to get comfortable, it was because Kate had taken over the position of newbie, and he could safely squirm away, out from under the communal—and oftentimes cult-like—magnifying glass of the department.

The bureaucracy had been tough to get used to. After fifteen years at a much smaller company, Clive was still surprised that the most mundane of tasks seemed to require a phone call to some committee or another for approval.  Accustomed to smaller companies as well, Kate liked to joke that here, scooting the chairs back from the desks was strictly forbidden unless permission had been granted in advance by the Ministry of Dangerous Actions.

“It’s bollocks,” he had said to her on more than one occasion.  “But what can we do?”

“Not a bloody thing, mate,” she would answer, perfectly mimicking not only his accent but his cadence, even the way he maneuvered his lips around the words.

On the way back to his office, he set the bottle down gently on her desk, where she was pretending to read emails.

She jumped, looking up at him as though expecting a ghost.

“I think you forgot this,” he said.

“Thank you,” she smiled.

He stood looking at her for a moment, saying nothing.  Then he turned on his heel, went into his office and shut the door.

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Snow Blindness (Part 1)

February 5th, 2010 by Emma
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I write fiction. Short stories, mostly. This is one I finished not too long ago. I’ll be posting it here, in installments.

Clive Sheppard awakened one morning with a strange silence nestled in his being.  An absence. And he knew then, suddenly. This is all you get, he said out loud, completely without warning, and yet as though reading from a manual. It was very much like the moment, twenty minutes or so after an aspirin, at which his temples would suddenly stop throbbing.  He got up, got dressed and put on a pot of coffee, all the time exploring the new quiet tentatively, in the manner of a tongue poking at the gap where a tooth has been: how big a gap is it? Does it hurt? And then, seconds later: is it still there, this gap?  He ate toast over the sink, sipping the too-hot coffee hastily.  He was strangely relieved when he burned the roof of his mouth.  Without the buzzing promise of Someday filling the crevices of his being, the rest of his life loomed and rushed at him, parching his mind and giving him a kind of snow blindness.  The skin peeling away from the roof of his mouth made a pleasant focal point.

Coming back into the hushed bedroom for shoes, he glanced at his wife.  Pointed sections of her newly blonde hair fluffed over one eye.  She seemed somehow vulnerable.  For a moment he regretted the tepid response he’d given her makeover when, grinning nervously, she had picked him up from the airport the week prior.  On the drive home she had been angry, flattened. To make it up to her, he had called in sick the next day. Look after me for a change. Tell them you’re jet-lagged. It wasn’t so much that she missed him.  She was just tired of being alone.

She stirred suddenly, and he froze, willing her to remain asleep. When her breathing evened out again, he picked up his shoes and crept out, shutting the door behind him.

In the car he re-played the scene in his mind; Blonde Fiona stirring, Weak Clive freezing. It had always been that way, except at the very beginning. (The Party to End All Parties, he’d called it once. Only once; he tried not to make the same mistakes twice.) Back then he had been Serious Clive.  He had done as he had been expected to do.  Kept his head down, went to school, worked hard.  There had been no protest marches, no rock bands, no cocaine habits, no arrests, no dramatic, exhaustive love affairs.  He had slept with exactly two women while in college; neither of them exotic or even crazy; just a little drunk and willing to endure his quiet attentions. The second, Fiona Wilson, had wound up pregnant. End of story. This is all you get. And a burned mouth.

© Emma Alvarez Gibson 2009.  All rights reserved.

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The Grand Adventure

January 28th, 2010 by Emma
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This is a piece I wrote for Long Beach Magazine. It was published in the January 2010 issue.

A few years back, sitting in the kitchen of a beautiful guest house just outside of Christchurch, New Zealand, I came face to face with some surprising truths about myself.  My husband and I were six days into a three-week visit, and we had fallen in love with the country. Sure, we’d spent the first two days highly suspicious of the extreme kindness we found everywhere, but once our suspicion wore off, we were able to properly focus on the gorgeous sights, rich culture and genuine hospitality that surrounded us.

I pride myself on being a good traveler. My father worked for the airlines when I was growing up, and trips were plentiful. We rode standby most of the time, which meant arriving at LAX knowing that we might not be actually leaving for several hours; sometimes we even had to go back home and try again the next day. No big deal. My parents taught my brother and me to see travel (life, really) as a grand adventure: things may not go the way you’d imagined, and that’s okay. I have many fond memories of the four of us running from terminal to terminal at top speed, laughing uncontrollably; of getting lost while walking around London and being warned by a local that continuing on that street would surely lead to our getting shot (oops); of having to track down, all over Madrid, a certain brand of popsicle my younger brother quickly became attached to; of sneaking contraband food into our hotel room in Rome for the sake of saving a few lire. Grand adventure, indeed.

But it had been years since I’d done any real traveling, and what is exciting as a child can be challenging as an adult. The majority of our trip to New Zealand consisted of a self-guided driving tour, made ever-so-slightly terrifying by the drive-on-the-left, sit-on-the-right driving practices. We spent many long hours on the road, and slept in a new place every other night; sometimes every night.

A journal entry from that trip reads: It’s been not quite a week and we’ve seen so much, so many different landscapes and people and places, sounds and smells. Bit overwhelming, really, at this stage. Constant traveling can be hard work, especially for two people who hold [the concept of] Home at such a high premium… I told R. when we started the journey (or maybe before) that traveling to other countries makes you really take stock of who and what you are; your shortcomings, strengths, boundaries, comfort levels. You grow so much, I told him. My own boundaries have become all too evident, and they are hard to face…I need the upper hand in every situation more than I am comfortable admitting. I am impatient, and short-fused. I blame.  …Am exhausted from so many days of driving, taking in scenery and information, figuring out directions, meeting new people, guessing at etiquette, etc.

It was surprising to find that, in concert with the thrill of experiencing a new country I’d wanted very much to visit, one I found delightful at every turn, I was also experiencing a brand-new level of discomfort. I hadn’t realized until then how very pronounced my reliance is on a certain order and certain types of knowledge. Being in a new place day after day means that you never know where your next meal is coming from. It means repeatedly having to track down the restroom. And, if you’re driving, it means not really knowing where you’re going, even though you have directions and lodging and all of that. And if you’re traveling with a partner, you can also expect tensions to crop up, multiply, cause disturbances—particularly on long trips, particularly in a different country.  All of which can put a strain on things.

To what extent do we define ourselves by our arbitrary situations and conveniences? The answer, for me, was eye-opening. Without those things, evidently, I am less patient, less kind, less generous (and that’s a generous description, to be sure!).  But in the uncomfortable examination of those ideas, I was able to move past them. I did my best to become an observer of my gut reactions, and to avoid being led by them. That in itself went a long way toward easing the interpersonal tensions inevitable on a long trip; but it also allowed me to be more patient with myself. And then a funny thing happened. As I got more comfortable with the idea that I was really not as unflappable a traveler as I’d thought, I also got more comfortable with not being entirely comfortable—and that, in turn, helped me to give up the struggle and just enjoy myself, regardless of the situation.

Lessons learned on the road translate well to all other aspects of life. On the road, we are perhaps our truest selves. We can’t hide behind our schedules, our laundry, our social commitments while we’re in motion. In our daily lives we’ve worked to eliminate as much of the unknown as possible, thus removing an entire set of circumstances that test our mettle. And so, often, our truest selves are different from our daily selves. Is that a bad thing? Maybe not. Many people never take that test. But for the bold, travel is a test like no other, and the benefits can be life-changing. Of that much, I’m certain.

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I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

January 17th, 2010 by Emma
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Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans and myself from the community of sinners. – Miroslav Volf

These past few days, I’ve been thinking about faith even more than usual. Between the horrors of what’s happening in Haiti and the unfathomably callous and stupid remarks that a few public figures have made, it’s hard not to. Harder, still, to reconcile some of the comments I’ve heard from someone dear to me, the most surreal one of all: an angry statement made to me about the Haitian people “complaining” on TV and their lack of gratitude.

At least two of those speakers consider themselves men of faith: Christians, in fact. And while I don’t often take on issues like this publicly, I can’t keep my mouth shut about this. I’ll speak plainly, because there’s not much to my point.

I’m a Christian. In fact, I’m a Born-Again Christian. Until shortly before I became one, I hated Christians, as I’d only ever known bigoted/privileged/white/uptight/uneducated/over-educated/judgmental Christians. But one does not become a Christian for the people (or perhaps I’m alone there?); one does it for the Christ part. All of this to say: I know the rules.

Christ gave us two rules. Two! Only two. They are:

1) Love me above all things
2) Love each other as yourselves

That’s it. Okay? Two rules. If you don’t love Christ above all things, there’s a problem. If you don’t love others as yourself, there’s a problem. Me? I run into these problems every day of my life. Every day. I do my best; I strive; I aim higher. Every day I fail. And I will continue to do so. I know this.

That’s also how I know that I have no business appointing myself God’s hall monitor. Because in Christianity, sin is sin is sin. So if you’re not loving your neighbor as yourself, then guess what? You are no better than those people who, uh, “made a pact with the devil.” If you lie, if you cheat, if you overeat, if you lust after someone else’s spouse–if you do anything, in other words, that we have all, at one point or another, done–then you are no better than anyone else.

I have an outstanding capacity for being an asshole. I swear, a lot. I’m quick to anger. I’m judgmental. And do you know what that means? That means I have no right to point fingers at anybody else. None. None at all. It means I’d better get busy sorting my own life out, in fact.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

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The Help Haiti Blog Challenge

January 14th, 2010 by Emma
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So Ms. Diels is doing this thing, inspired by Ms. LaPorte, and then Ms. Farough got involved. Logically, then, it’s a smashing idea.

All of us small-biz people can surely donate something. (Even if you can’t afford to? You can probably afford to. Because someone needs it more than you do.) So here’s what I’m doing.

I will donate the full cost of a Brand Alchemy Session to the Red Cross on behalf of the next two people who book with me. That’s a total of either $600 or $800, depending on whether said people choose the optional report. (Details on the Brand Alchemy Session here.)

Step right up. What day would you like yours?

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The Biggest Reason I Love Social Media

January 14th, 2010 by Emma
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It’s not because social media has been the most important factor in building my business. (Although it has.)

It’s not because it levels the playing field in so many ways. (Although it does.)

And it’s not because I’m now very much in touch with the quotidian habits of people I have not seen in twenty-five  years. (It is definitely not that.)

The biggest reason I love social media so much? Because it’s okay to be affectionate.

Yeah, that’s right. Because I can tell people I admire that I think they’re great. Because I can tell people I love that I love them, and it’s not weird. (Or at least no one has called me on it.)

I’m very touchy-feely by nature. I tell my husband and kid I love them roughly eighty times a day. (I’ve never actually counted, but I say it a lot.) I’m a hugger. A cuddler. A kisser. I pat arms and heads. But only when I have no fear of being rebuffed; otherwise I’m an ice queen.

Lots of everyday things are just amazing to me, and I like to point them out. Particularly when those things are people. But it often freaks people out, in person. And sometimes it’s misinterpreted (you can’t really hug everybody, as it turns out). And yet. Online, I can yell, “I LOVE YOU!” when someone I know says something particularly witty or inspiring. I can leave a note on a blog belonging to someone on the other side of the world, letting them know that I think that person is lovely and wise and wonderful and makes the world a better place.

Why is that? Is it because it’s text, as opposed to real-time flesh and blood, and therefore less confrontational? Is it because online we have to rely on words alone, as opposed to all of the visual/socioeconomic/sexual/etc. signals that we flash at each other all day long? Maybe a combination of the two–maybe also a million other reasons, to boot.

There’s a side effect to this thing, though. I’m becoming less and less afraid of being rebuffed. Which is to say: I’m more and more affectionate in real life. I’ve all but stopped worrying that people will think I’m weird or too forward or needy (and trust me: I am all of those things). Because I work from home, because Twitter is my co-worker, I’m immersed for much of the day in a culture where building people up is–o, the humanity!–the norm. (I know! What?!) And because of it, I don’t stop to think anymore before lavishing my love upon the people I run into.

Oh, I know it sounds a bit like a cheesy inspirational novel (Twitter Emboldened Me: An Awakening of Love). But you know what? Life is like that sometimes. I’m okay with it.

Also? I LOVE YOU! You are really awesome.

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No resolutions.

January 1st, 2010 by Emma
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There’s something about the concept of resolutions that seems overly fussy to me; stingy, almost. I’m a spirit-of-the-law type, and do not do well with very specific restrictions aimed at my behavior. [Someone less rebellious might have said "directions" rather than "restrictions" -- but here we are.] What does wonders for me is a general direction, an overarching goal. So what I’ve done for this year is write a letter to myself from the future–the end of 2010–describing everything I would like to do and be a part of this year as though it’s already happened. [Apologies for that hideous sentence. Wow!] A couple of the blogs I follow recommended doing this, and it’s just gooey enough for me to be totally intrigued, and anyway, why not; how fun! I understand that at the end of the year I’ll be amazed at how much of the content in the letter has actually taken place.

It’s part experiment and part mini-manifesto. And I suspect all manner of good things will come of it.

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Always crashing in the meme car

January 1st, 2010 by Emma
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I’m powerless against memes. I LOVE THEM. It’s some holdover from junior high, like slam books and magazine quizzes. Whatever. I LOVE THEM. So when Michelle told me she’d tagged me for this one and promised it didn’t suck, I was like, Whah? Some memes suck? happy to oblige.

1. If you were only allowed to have one intention for 2010, what would it be & why?

To honor my boundaries. It’s not something I’m naturally good at, and the lack of that particular skill causes me trouble. This year, I ain’t beating around the bush.

2. If you were only allowed to have one goal for 2010, what would it be & how can you achieve it?

Making a ton of dough. Which I will do by making smart choices and hustling like nobody’s business.

3. If you had to do one new thing in 2010, what would it be? Will you commit to it now?

Yeah. In 2010 I’m after getting my fiction published.

4. If you had to get rid of one thing in 2010, what would it be & why?

Hmm. Can I say “the unnecessary”? Is that cheating?

5. What have you achieved in 2009? List it all!

I don’t like to say I’ve achieved things; there’s so little we do completely on our own. Instead, I’ll list the things that make me feel like, okay, I moved up a level or two from 2008:

  • I’m more tuned in to my husband and son
  • After being laid off, I managed to put together a business that, okay, didn’t make me rich, but allowed me to keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table
  • I’ve gotten more comfortable with making my needs known
  • Also with reaching out to people
  • I got rid of a ton of stuff I didn’t need
  • Read a whole bunch of fantastic books
  • Got my groove back re: writing fiction
  • Started playing guitar again
  • Stopped caring about a lot of stupid things [my favorite]

So, 2010, let’s go.

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Best of 2009: Resolution you wish you’d stuck with

December 31st, 2009 by Emma
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[I'm participating in Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 Blog Challenge, in case you're all like, what's with the theme?]

Resolution you wish you’d stuck with. (You know, there’s always next year…)

Glow

Resolutions made on the eve of 2009 seem so small and forlorn, in retrospect. They were no match for a year of huge leaps and massive hustling. They had no idea what was about to knock their little world over and out.  So I don’t wish anything in particular about last year’s resolutions (though I think it’s kind of cute that I said I wanted to kick coffee. The hell?!).

But this upcoming year?Oh, it’s going to be sweet.

Sweet as, said my friend Marianne. Sho nuff. Look out.

[PS, A big shout-out to Gwen, without whom this month of posting would not have happened, not like this, not with these people and not every day. Girl, you've got it going on. Thank you for opening your heart to so many people.]

Happy New Year.

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Best of 2009: Ad

December 30th, 2009 by Emma
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[I'm participating in Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 Blog Challenge, in case you're all like, what's with the theme?]

Ad. What advertisement made you think this year?

Look, I realize this sounds disingenuous, since so many of my other blog-challenge posts say something similar. But nearly every advertisement I see makes me think. Ads are an obsession. I analyze them ad nauseam (well, to the ad nauseam of others; I never actually tire of it–half the time I’m unaware that I’m doing it, to be honest); take them apart, process their individual components, imagine the conversations, even, between client and agency, leading to the end product.

It’s not a sickness, I say. It’s…I don’t know. Something else.  I can’t do it with all ads. Rather, I can, but I end up feeling unwell. These I try to avoid. They cause a reaction, a sort of unpleasant buzzing in me, that is very uncomfortable.

[This is part of the reason why I am so fanatical about the William Gibson book Pattern Recognition, and its protagonist Cayce Pollard:

...if you look closely you may see it suggested that she is a "sensitive" of some kind, a dowser in the world of global marketing. Though the truth...is closer to allergy, a morbid and sometimes violent reactivity to the semiotics of the marketplace.


I get that. That allergy, that sometimes-violent reactivity. And in spite of or because of it, it's something I can never leave alone or stop analyzing.]

All that said: the ad that made me stop and think more than any other in 2009 is this one.

LuxembourgHumanTrade1

The text translates as: By hiring a prostitute, you’re financing human trafficking.

At first glance, the ad seemed coarse and shrill to me. It smacked of the early 1990s in some ugly way; perhaps in its attempt to be outrageous. Then the obvious sank in: it’s spotlighting something outrageous that we either don’t think about, or only do so in vague, veiled ways.  This puts the concepts of human trafficking right up our noses in a way that makes our brains scramble to match up the images in the ad with the images in our internal databases. What better way to call attention to the systematic packaging and cheapening of human life?

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